Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
