I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
