I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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