I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
my liver is dry heaving
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
