Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
she woke up with a sticky ear
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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