I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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