Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
