____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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