When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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