The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
