I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
