I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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