spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
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