You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
