Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
