I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
