Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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