My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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