The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
