I cannot find my penis.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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