My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
