Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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