Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
