anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
