i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
