Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
