the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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