i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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