Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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