O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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