i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
