Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
