So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
