I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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