I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
