Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
