fuck your aforementioned shoe
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize