my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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