Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
