If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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