I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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