Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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