i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize