Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
