im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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