You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
