we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
It was a blind-side dick pic.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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