mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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