I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
