im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
