I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
