Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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