can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
