I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
