There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
