she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
No subtext here. People are naked.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
