there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
