My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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