I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
