Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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