It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I FOUND THE LEGS
Randomize
