at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
