oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize