His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
