she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
