I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
My liver just had a heart attack.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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