I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Randomize
