I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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