I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
